Friday, 26 December 2014

Two and a half months

Its now been two and a half months since my last post. I think about writing often, think about what I could put on here. And I am disappointed in myself that I haven't been able to put in words exactly what I wanted to write. But Im here now. So here goes. 

Reflecting on the year that has been.

1. We were very very close to the bush fires in January, but the direction of the wind that day saved us. So many 'what ifs' in January.  But it didn't burn. For that I am grateful.

2. In March we decided to go to Kalgoorlie. I am not saying this was the best decision. Sometimes stepping out of ones comfort zone is scary and can therefore feel like a 'bad' decision. But at the end of the day we learned a lot about ourselves. I know a lot of people who are 'gunnas'.  They are gunna do this and gunna do that. Gunna go on holidays gunna change jobs. Craig and I are certainly not 'gunnas'. We make things happen. And even if it doesn't work, I am grateful we take risks.

3. Having someone close to me have a health scare. Was the hugest thing in my life. On the 244th day of 2014 I wrote in my diary one word. 'Shattered'. Cause that is exactly how I felt.

4. The sale of our house in September. A huge thing. A decision we didn't think through in its entirety. A decision that I trusted others and probably should have used my own brain to make. But I didn't. A decision that we made to take a huge risk in life and one that we haven't worked out if it was a good idea or a dumb shit idea yet. But we did what we thought was best at the time.  We both have good careers and can easily make an income to get another house/ a bigger house/ more... Its something I have put a lot of time and energy into worrying about this year. But at the end of the day its gone. And right now the absence of that mortgage allows us to decide to do other things. Whatever that may be.

5. Moving back to Perth. Fuck me. Moving house is time consuming, draining, financially stressful not to mention a headache. But we did it. again. To be closer to family. To be back to what we know for a little while till we can make our next move. Thankfully we still had somewhere to live, our unit in Midland. Its not much, but its ours and its been our safety net. And for that I'm grateful.

6. November 2014.  My little niece is born. Another person to love. She is so beautiful.

So from here we are up down up down with the decision making. Craig now has a good job that is holding us back from heading off. And my sister can no longer have the dogs as she has a baby and dogs of her own and its too much of me to ask. So my main concern would be finding someone else I trust to have my dogs while we go. This part has me crying in the night about it. 

Although we are back to our 'normal', I don't fit in here in Perth any more. I don't fit in at the school playground or with friends, or even with my family. Craig and I are on edge. With every decision, with each other.  It feels like a storm is brewing. there will be a change, a huge one. But what that change will be is yet to be decided. 

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